how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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