non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
