Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize