So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
