I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He passed out mid-signature
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
