That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
