By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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