fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
