Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
