M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
We are two peas in an std pod
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
