I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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