I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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