I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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