At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
