I checked into jail on foursquare
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
