do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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