i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
