As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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