The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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