Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
