I am puke
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
True strength comes from lack of pants
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
