Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
