we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
