Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
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