you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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