she woke up with a sticky ear
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
