I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
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