Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
