I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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