the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
