Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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