Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
