He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
