Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
