My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize