Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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