U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
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