Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
