we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
