I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Randomize
