Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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