How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
