When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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