Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
