This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
