Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
The chlamydia really affected his face.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
