They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
