It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
