Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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