I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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