The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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