I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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