:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
