already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
