Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize