When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
