I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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