Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
