My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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