that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
