i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
and you fell through a lawn chair
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
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