i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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